Meh.

Haven't blogged properly in a long while, so I guess it's time for an overdue update.

Feeling pretty lost lately.

Thought I knew what I wanted.

You know when you look at someone who is happy and try to figure out what made them radiate such friendly aura?

You then go and try to do the same things they did to make yourself happy.

But it doesn't work that way.

Well, that was my drive anyways.

Pretty much a list of things that was designed to make me happier by the end of it.

Pretty much finished what was on that list.
Do I feel better?

Probably.

But I found myself without drive now.

Nothing to work towards.

I just feel lost.

I spent the whole day today doing absolutely nothing.

Mucked around the whole day downloading movies and listening to music.

Didn't even have the motivation to start a new game or watch the movies I downloaded.

Found myself staring at the screen for a good old 10 minutes figuring out what I wanted to do.
I just didn't know.

Is this ultimate boredom?

There should be plenty of things I can do, but I just lack the drive to do anything at all.

Is it just a bad day?

Lost as.

Women.
So bloody hard to read.

Stop teasing me and give me a sign.

Starting Anew

It's been a vicious cycle.
A tough ride.

Broken. Shattered.
Left in shambles.

I don't know how this keeps repeating.

It's about time I put an end to all of this.

I'll try my hardest not to make the same mistake over and over again.

Before I let go, I'll just let you know.

Once upon a time you walked into my life.

Just a stranger.

I don't know when I fell for you.
I. Fell. So. Damn. Hard.

There was a time I would drop everything and just be with you.

But then you shattered my hope before I could even make my proposal.

You sent me tumbling down an endless pit of despair.

Wounds heal with time right?

Well, that's what I thought.

But then, you make my day better.

When you smile it somehow sparkles.

When you sing my heart just melts.

And there I fall again.

Just so you know.

One day I'll look back and have a good laugh at this.

But until that day you still have a firm grasp of my heart.

I do. Do you?

I want you to know, to understand.

I don't know if this will shatter what we've built.

But this could be a start of something new.
Something better.
Something magical.

What are you afraid of?

Afraid to feel?

I can't make any promises.
But I can tell you that it'll be worth it.

Distortion.

So many people are going overseas this holidays.
So. Many.
The majority of the crew is heading out of the country and the holidays are gonna be mindlessly boring without them.
Personally, I'll miss them all.

Makes me want to go as well.

Anyways, nothing has been going my way the past couple of days.
Fucking feeling like shit to say the least.

Today just topped it off.

I haven't fucking raged this much in a long time.
You would think that by the time you head into university that the papers you do are marked fairly and evaluates you skills to the proper degree.

Well, they fucking don't.

Meh, life is unfair.

But I just want to put it out there and let people know, just so I know that someone out there acknowledges that my time spent into doing all this work isn't a complete waste of time.

More importantly I want to clear this confusion in my heart.

Sometimes love doesn't make sense, it doesn't need logic to make the decision.

Wounds heal but it's the scar that lasts for a long time.

It's been such a long time, by now surely the scar should be meaningless.

I've kept you locked up in the deepest corners of my heart.

But somehow you escaped.

It's like you have the master key to my heart.

"I don't love you."

"This is just a phase."

"It'll be better when I wake up."

I tell myself this all the time.
Drilling these ideas into my head day to day.

It doesn't work.

The heart just shatters whatever resolve my mind has.

Only you have ever done this to me.

It's not your fault, it's mine for falling this damn hard for you in the first place.

Someday, someone who knows how I truly feel will replace you.
I desperately wait for that day to come.
The waiting game is hard to play.

For now I just hope you don't play with my heart strings every night.

"Logic is invalid, apparently."

Gone with the wind.

Haven't really posted in a long time.
I had the time, but just not the mood.

Seems like every time I do decide to post something is when I'm sad, depressed or something is life is going wrong.

This time it's a bit different.
For once I just want to blog.

Just to reflect on things.

So what's new?

There's a plethora of "new" things in my life.

My outlook, mindset and life has changed quite a bit.

I never saw this coming to be honest.
What can I say?
Times have changed.
People have changed.

I definitely have changed.

More adventurous, active and open I'd say.

*Now the ranting, misc and shitness will unfold*

Recently learned to drop the ball on something.

It was weird letting go, but when I finally did. OH MAN. The burden was lifted.

Freed from those chains once again.

But I don't know when I might give in and be shackled again.

Until then, deploy the "fuck-it" attitude.

"Start of a new chapter."

Something to start with.

It's finally good to feel something again.

To once again fall blindly.

To feel the spark, the energy and surge.

Might not end the way I want, but hey, I shall enjoy the ride.